The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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