I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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