It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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