Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
