In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
