she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
