You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
