she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
