3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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