My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
