i don't like sucking hair
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
