So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize