I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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