i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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