Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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