he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The adults are the big ones right?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
