Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Say something about gay babies.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
