dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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