Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
