His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
