When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
