After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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