She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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