Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
