my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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