party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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