I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
