I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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