That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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