If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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