she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
