I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
