You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
