Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
