just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
