If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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