Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I want her autograph on my taint
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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