We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
