Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
