My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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