I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
