Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
