On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize