3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize