I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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