what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
