Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
be right there i have to get my cape
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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