i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
