don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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