Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
