if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
