I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
