Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
