My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
