I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
