Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
