I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
