Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
